The Courage to Choose: Owning Your Inauthenticity Transforms Your Life as a Leader

May 2

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Not many people know this about me, but I was an altar boy as a child. After my First Communion, I felt a sense of connection to something larger than myself, and I wanted to be a part of that. I'd confess my sins each week, mostly routine things a kid might do, but even then, it felt more like simply following the rules and not quite understanding the purpose. Now, while I'm no longer a practicing Catholic, the idea of confession resonates differently with me. I see it as a catalyst for self-inquiry, a way to explore where I might not be fully in alignment with my own truth.

Defining Inauthenticity

We all experience those moments of being out of sync. We may say yes when we mean no, prioritize the external over our inner needs, or silence our intuition to fit in. At the core of my coaching framework, which is based on core principles, is the understanding that deep satisfaction and fulfillment come from being in alignment with our core values, purpose, and the truest version of ourselves. When we're not, there's an internal disconnect we can't quite shake or put our finger on.

In my recent article Unlock Your Authentic Self: Aligning Your Actions with Your Core Values, I share another take on what inauthenticity means that goes beyond the simplistic logic of “Am I doing the ‘right’ thing here..” or “Am I a ‘bad’ person if I…” that we all have at some point which could shed more light on this definition.

Facing Discomfort

I dreaded going into the office every Monday morning and could not wait until Friday came. When my weekend started, I felt alive, and everything seemed to be back in color again. I struggled with this for years and chucked it to ‘that’s how life is…’ I compartmentalized my life as if I had two different versions of myself—the black-and-white version on weekdays and the full-color version on weekends.

I had a very well-paid job, my sports car, a swanky loft condo in downtown Toronto, and the ability to eat out at restaurants practically every night of the week if I wanted to—none of it took the dread of Monday mornings that I started to feel on Sunday nights. But I couldn’t even confess this to myself without sounding ungrateful to life and the opportunities given to me. So I lived with this ‘noise’ in the background and kept plowing through.

Internal Impact

This focus on our deepest knowing mirrors the self-examination present in many spiritual traditions. However, my coaching framework highlights personal responsibility and focuses on how our choices have an impact on our lives. It isn't about judgment, internal or external, but about taking a courageous look at those choices and the results they create.

Self-Reflection Practices Across Traditions

The yearning for wholeness and the desire for self-understanding seem universal. Many cultures, both religious and secular, have practices encouraging introspection. From the Jewish Yom Kippur, a day of atonement and reflection on past actions, to Eastern meditation traditions focusing on self-awareness, to modern self-inquiry or journaling practices... they all point to a common human need to examine our actions, course-correct when necessary, and reconnect with our authentic selves.

The need for introspection and self-understanding transcends any single religion or culture. These diverse practices highlight a universal desire for greater wholeness.

The Transformative Power of Owning Inauthenticity

Self-Awareness

Choosing authenticity begins with an honest self-assessment. This requires us to face the parts of ourselves we prefer to hide—our fears, our less-than-noble motivations, and the ways we haven't lived up to our own standards or ideals. This is where traditional and secular self-reflection practices come in. They provide a framework for looking at our choices without self-condemnation but with clarity.

Conversely, understanding the root causes of our inauthenticity can also be a crucial step towards embracing our true selves. For many, anxiety and imposter syndrome can be significant contributors to this struggle. If this internal battle resonates with you and you would like to explore it further, you may want to read more on the topic, as we all encounter it at some point in our leadership journey.

Conscious Re-choosing

This clarity opens up the possibility for change, not dwelling on guilt but focusing on conscious choice. Recognizing a past action didn't serve us empowers us to choose differently now. This reframing is vital. Feeling regret is human, but transforming even the smallest of regrets into empowered action—that's where growth lies.

Part of putting this reframing to work is by setting focused intentionality behind our actions, which is a much broader approach to setting S.M.A.R.T. goals. When setting goals, sometimes we are not clear on what we want to measure just yet, or what would be the best goal to measure out of several options. This would lead to the next unknown of measuring it against what standard—all of which, ironically and paradoxically, produces some anxiety-driven inner talk. Only once we are clear on the intentionality of our actions can we proceed with actual goals; it all depends on the scope of the area at play.

Reconnecting with Wholeness

When we take that brave step of owning our inauthenticity because, after all, we are mere Humans, the weight begins to lift. We shed the pretense, the internal conflict and start to reclaim those lost parts of ourselves. This is how we restore a sense of integrity and wholeness—some call the experience different things that range from “being comfortable in my own skin” to going as far as calling it “a deep sense of coming back home.” Actions that once felt forced now flow with greater ease as we're in sync with our truth.

Focusing on Workability

Toronto Departure

The whole reason I left Toronto was that the entire lifestyle wasn't working for me—it was all about external expectations. I decided to “cash in all my chips” and leave. That was a huge risk, but it was the best decision I ever made.

Mexico Arrival

Having my own restaurant was a lifelong dream. A year after landing in Mexico, I did just that. Those first six months were grueling: 14-16 hour days, arriving home exhausted... but a smile from ear to ear! And even though I had very little time for anything else, I felt freedom, finally doing what I loved.

Years later, I understood the true meaning of preparing and serving food for others—humility, being of service, honoring the craft, the sense of family both with my staff and my regulars, and being part of a community that was starting to make its presence known as a gastronomic destination on a national level. I lived a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment that went beyond any levels that I could imagine.

A key distinction of my coaching framework is the focus on what works to create well-being for the individual. Instead of a moral code, we ask ourselves: Am I honoring my values? Does this nourish my spirit? Am I living out my purpose? This empowers us without necessarily needing to compare ourselves to external standards.

The Power of Choosing

Responsibility vs. Victimhood

Living authentically means accepting responsibility for our choices instead of playing or feeling like the victim, or blaming others or circumstances. This distinction is crucial. Yes, we might have acted out of fear, insecurity, or not knowing, but that understanding creates the space to choose differently now. It's not about wallowing in shame, but about recognizing the power we have to create change.

Actions vs. Words

Our words hold power, and while a sincere apology might be necessary, the deeper work of transformation lies in our actions. We honor those we've hurt not just with words but by showing that we're committed to making different choices. Just as our actions shape our reality, so too does the language we use. Being mindful of our words enables us to shift and reshape our inner world, which in turn influences our choices and the outcomes we create.

One of my earliest corporate life lessons in taking ownership and actioning that resulted in massive results was with time management. I used to think arriving at client meetings ‘just on time,’ which meant within the first five minutes of the actual start time, was okay. After all, that’s when people would spend those minutes greeting each other and have the inconsequential chit-chat before taking care of business. One day, I got called out by a client about it.

First, he stated the obvious, that the meeting could not start without me, so I was really wasting everybody’s time if the group truly wanted to start on time. More importantly, he felt that those first five minutes of banter before a meeting were when we all had an opportunity to get to know the human behind the business role. And he said, matter-of-factly, without any shame, ‘Either way, it is you who is missing out.’

He was so quantifiably and unarguably right that there was no room for an apology on my part. In fact, that’s not what he was seeking anyhow. What was he going to do with an “I’m sorry” when what he wanted was to include me and get to know me better?

After that, I started showing up 5 minutes early, just in case. Sometimes, he’d show up a little early, and we’d have the most interesting of conversations, not related to work or the project at all. Those five or ten minutes would fly by, and we both enjoyed that oasis of humanity within the desert of business goals. Needless to say, our relationship transformed after that.

The Universality of Self-Inquiry

Many people seek self-discovery and fulfillment within or outside of traditional religious frameworks. Introspection tools like journaling, meditation, and mindful practices can serve a similar function as religious confession and prayer. In the end, they all allow us to explore our inner landscape and make transformative choices with personal agency, not necessarily based on external dogma.

The Power of Vulnerability

Owning our imperfections, even to ourselves, is an act of incredible courage. True strength isn't about maintaining a facade of perfection, but embracing our messy humanity. Vulnerability creates the space for authentic connection, both with ourselves and with others.

Perhaps it's time for a courageous look within:

Where in your life do you sense a lack of alignment between your values and actions?
What's one small step you could take today to move closer to authenticity?
Imagine you're at the end of your life and looking back. What regrets would you NOT want to have?
Think of someone you admire. What qualities embody the kind of person you want to be?

For me, true introspection isn't about judgment. It's about a deep desire for wholeness. With this coaching framework as a tool, we can face our ‘shortcomings’ as inconsistencies with self-compassion and courage and create a life more fully in alignment with who we truly are.

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Mariano is a growth and leadership coach for changemakers who promotes new ways of exploring perspectives and shifting the lenses we use to see the world. His coaching style leaves people with a sense of clarity and conviction from what is authentically true for them—resulting in being inspired and called into action by the new possibilities that arise. Reach out now.