Having It All By Letting It Go
Finding More Through Release
photo by Mariano Alvarez©
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We often cling tightly to our wishes and desires, convinced that fulfilling them is the key to happiness. But what if letting go of what we think we need is the true path to receiving what we truly want or actually need?
Growing up, it was a given that I would become an accountant. This probably stemmed from my parents' experiences, coupled with a process of elimination, I suppose. By my second semester in college, I had had it with accounting. I just couldn't take it anymore. However, dropping out of college was not an option; switching programs was nearly impossible, given how much tuition cost my parents. More importantly, telling my parents I didn't want to become an accountant was unfathomable. The sleepless nights, the pressure to perform during exams, and the struggle to maintain a good average on topics I couldn't stand were suffocating. My only option was to switch majors within the same program. Thankfully, there was an option to study business within an information technology context, which saved me. If I had to choose, I would've chosen architecture. But I had to live up to my parents' expectations—which were self-imposed because they never told me to become anything in particular.
Our attachment to expectations and outcomes often creates a trap, leading to disappointment, frustration, and a sense of lack. This attachment can manifest as neediness, control, and fear, ironically pushing away the very things we desire. But there's a way to break free from this cycle. We can learn to let go of these limiting attachments by embracing mindfulness and creating space for genuine fulfillment.
While mindfulness practices can be found in various traditions, I'm particularly drawn to Buddhism's insights and framework for cultivating inner peace and liberation.
Storytelling Machines and Buddha’s Attachment
Our minds are expert storytellers. When we desire something, we weave elaborate narratives about how achieving it will make us happy, secure, or complete. But reality rarely matches our imagined outcomes. This is where the Buddhist concept of attachment comes into play. Buddhism teaches that attachment is the root of suffering. When we cling tightly to our desires and expectations, we create the conditions for disappointment and frustration.
For example, consider the classic tale of new love gone wrong. You're in a new relationship, caught in the beautifully seductive honeymoon stage. Just as you start thinking, "This may be the one," you find that the initial enthusiasm and excitement aren't reciprocated. The connection abruptly ends, leaving you with a bitter taste of disappointment.
This mismatch between expectation and reality creates suffering. We resist what is, clinging to how we think things should be. This resistance manifests as stress, anxiety, and a sense of lack.
The Simple Roadmap to Letting Go
Here's a roadmap to help you navigate the challenging terrain of letting go:
Challenge the Stories: Cultivate mindfulness to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgment. Question the narratives you create around your wants. Are they based on reality or assumptions and fears? I've already shared how I chased a "cool" job title within a consulting firm, only to find myself miserable. It wasn't until I reconnected with my passion for playing the drums that I truly felt aligned with my authentic self. This experience taught me the importance of challenging the stories we tell ourselves about what will bring us happiness.
Release Expectations: Practice acceptance of what is rather than clinging to how you think things should be. This doesn't mean giving up on your goals but approaching them with an open mind and a willingness to adapt. After two decades in PR, one of my clients realized his passion was fading. By releasing his expectations of the industry, he opened himself up to new possibilities and found a fulfilling career in real estate, something that seemed too far-fetched until now.
Cultivate Self-Compassion: Nurture your own well-being and find worth within yourself, independent of external validation. Remember that you are worthy of love and belonging just as you are. This aligns with the Buddhist principle of karuna, or loving-kindness, which emphasizes the importance of extending compassion to ourselves and others.
Embrace Impermanence: Recognize that everything is in constant flux. Change is inevitable, and clinging to the desire for things to remain the same only creates suffering. Embracing impermanence allows us to adapt to new circumstances and find peace in the present moment, bringing a sense of calm to our lives.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Define your core values and create boundaries that protect your well-being and support your growth. When boundaries are crossed, it's a sign that something you prioritize is being compromised. This empowers you to make conscious choices about what's acceptable and unacceptable to you, aligning with your authentic self.
The Upside-Down World of Letting Go and Less Is More
Letting go is a paradox. By releasing our tight grasp on the specific outcomes we want to see, we create space for unexpected possibilities and deeper fulfillment.
I had another client a few years back who was convinced that he would not be able to find a job that he loved because he was "too old" for today's job market. Once he could let go of that belief that he was attached to (and stopping him from putting himself out there), he set a goal of having at least five job interviews before giving up. On the third job interview, he was called back for more interviews because he had the experience they were looking for in the senior position. This rather young organization valued the weight of somebody who could provide the perspective of experience. Today, he still calls it his dream job and is making an impact on a national level in the public transportation industry. And all he had to do was let go of who he thought he was to the job market—not easy, but certainly simple.
It's not about "giving up" but about surrendering to the flow of life and trusting that what we truly need will find its way to us.
Embracing Future Versions
Letting go of attachment to expectations is not easy, but it is essential for personal growth and creating a fulfilling life. Embracing mindfulness and integrating the wisdom of Buddhist teachings frees us from the limitations of our own minds and opens us to a world of possibilities.
Today, I'm grateful for all my past experiences and relationships, romantic or otherwise, because they've contributed to who I am today. And I also know that future versions of myself cannot exist without me making room for them beforehand. This means letting go of old patterns, beliefs, and expectations that no longer serve me. It means embracing the unknown and trusting that by releasing my grip on what I think I need, I create space for the person I am meant to become.
I look forward to exploring what I will have to let go in the future to make that room. Through this publication, I invite you to join me on this journey of continuous growth and self-discovery.
Take a moment to reflect on the expectations you're holding onto. Are they serving you, or are they holding you back? What would it look like to loosen your grip and embrace the unknown? The journey of letting go starts with a single step. Are you ready to take it?
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Mariano is a transformational leadership coach specializing in Personal Branding, Strategic Leadership, and Creative Action. Through his signature SHIFT approach, he helps leaders discover authentic perspectives that transform how they see themselves and their potential. His clients consistently report gaining both clarity of purpose and practical strategies that inspire meaningful action.
Ready to explore your leadership potential? Schedule a complimentary consultation to discover how we can work together toward your goals.
