Do You Really Gift When You Gift?
photo by Mariano Alvarez©
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When I was about 12, my mom gave me a classical guitar for Christmas. I remember seeing it wrapped under the tree. It didn't have a name, but it was in the shape of a guitar. My mom had been trying to talk me into taking guitar lessons that year, so it was clearly meant for me, and I was dreading it!
My mom's heart was in the right place; she wanted me to have what she didn't or couldn't have while growing up. And it's not that I didn't appreciate it; it was that guitar was not my thing. What I really wanted was to play drums—the kind of instrument my parents didn't approve of, of course.
So, to avoid breaking her heart, I pretended to go to guitar lessons every week for three months until I couldn't keep it from her and had to come clean. Gifting is a funny thing, isn't it? It's a special kind of generosity that, in its effort to give, we sometimes forget if this is what the other wants to receive.
The holidays are upon us, and with them comes the season of giving. But what does it truly mean to give? Are we genuinely selfless in our acts of generosity, or are we, as psychology suggests, always driven by some underlying self-interest?
It's easy to get caught up in the frenzy of finding the "perfect" gift, the one that will elicit the most enthusiastic "thank you" or spark the brightest smile. But sometimes, in our quest to impress or please, we lose sight of the true essence of giving. We might focus on what we think the other person wants rather than what they truly need or desire. Or perhaps we're subconsciously hoping for a certain reaction, a validation of our choice or even of ourselves.
This isn't necessarily a 'bad' thing. This desire for validation is natural; we're all human, and it's expected to derive some satisfaction from making others happy. But it's worth pausing to reflect: are we giving to genuinely bring joy, or are we giving to receive something in return?
Unwrapping the Strings Attached
The line between giving and imposing can be blurry. We might be tempted to gift something that aligns with our own values or beliefs, even if it doesn't resonate with the recipient.
For instance, while in the restaurant industry, I chose not to serve alcohol at staff holiday parties. I did want to celebrate my staff and show my appreciation with a yearly gathering, but knowing the prevalence of addiction issues within the industry. Within my staff in particular, it felt like the responsible thing to do. This decision wasn't about controlling anyone's choices but creating a supportive environment and demonstrating care for our team.
This experience raised an important question: are we responsible for other people's choices? Ultimately, no. But we can choose to support choices that align with our values and contribute to their well-being.
What's Really in the Box
So, how do we navigate this delicate balance? How do we ensure our gifts are truly about the recipient, not about us?
It starts with listening, with truly understanding the other person's needs and desires. It's about considering their unique circumstances, respecting their individuality, and making them feel seen.
Sometimes, it also means setting boundaries. There are certain gifts I wouldn't feel comfortable giving, even if they were explicitly requested. It's about staying true to myself and my values while expressing care and generosity, ensuring that our gifts genuinely reflect our values.
I have a client who has 'banned' traditional gift-giving in his family. Instead, they've embraced a tradition of themed family portraits at every holiday gathering. One person chooses the theme, another handles the photography, and they all participate with gusto. So far, they've posed in Christmas pajamas, sported the ugliest winter sweaters imaginable, and even volunteered together at a local soup kitchen. The result? A collection of hilarious memories and a deeper sense of family connection.
The Real Gifts
Ultimately, the most meaningful gifts come from the heart, reflecting genuine thoughtfulness and consideration. They're about connecting with another human being, not extravagance or impressing.
Looking back, I realize that my mom's guitar wasn't just a gift; it was a symbol of her love and her desire for me to have a fulfilling life. Even though it wasn't the "perfect" gift, it taught me a valuable lesson about the complexities of giving and receiving. This year, I'm approaching gifting with a renewed sense of purpose. I'm choosing experiences over things, focusing on quality time, and expressing my love through acts of service. And who knows, maybe I'll even surprise someone with a drum set!
Unwrapping a New Gift Exchange
I invite you to join me in rediscovering the true spirit of giving through connection this holiday season. Let's take a moment to reflect on our own motivations and intentions. How can we move beyond finding the "perfect" present and truly connect with the people we care about? It could be through a handwritten letter expressing our gratitude, a shared experience that creates lasting memories, or a simple act of kindness that brightens someone's day. Every day is an opportunity to make meaningful connections and heartfelt generosity.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! What are some of your favorite ways to give and receive that truly foster connection? What are some of your gift-giving or gift-receiving anecdotes, and what did you learn about them?
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Mariano is a transformational leadership coach specializing in Personal Branding, Strategic Leadership, and Creative Action. Through his signature SHIFT approach, he helps leaders discover authentic perspectives that transform how they see themselves and their potential. His clients consistently report gaining both clarity of purpose and practical strategies that inspire meaningful action.
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