You the Boxer or the Bag? The Power of Agreements
photo by Mariano Alvarez©
______________________________
There's a line I love in Pearl Jam's 'Yellow Ledbetter' that goes, 'I don't know whether I'm the boxer or the bag.' It's so true, isn't it? Sometimes, we feel we're in a constant battle with life, and as much as we throw punches out there, we keep getting hit by even more, making us feel like we're the punching bag.
This got me thinking, are those my only two choices: either punch or be punched? Why am I boxing in the first place? Who said I needed to be boxing at all? And it's not just about choosing to be the boxer or the bag. We can also question the boxing match itself. Is this the right arena for us? Sometimes, the most empowering choice is to step out of the ring altogether and create a new game with new rules.
I love analogies, and I certainly love that line in "Yellow Ledbetter," but notice how we buy into a script that is already written and then operate within the confines of that narrative and in a very binary way. It doesn't have to be this way.
Examining Our Agreements
When things aren't flowing for you or when you're stuck, it might be useful to look at the agreements that we've made. First, look at the narrative you're in—that in itself is an agreement. "I bought into" the idea of being in a boxing match, with only two outcomes: punch or be punched. Is this what I want? Is this what I agreed to?
Second, there are probably some other agreements that we've made out there that are broken. So what are the agreements that we made (with ourselves or others, but mostly with ourselves) that we are not upholding? There are probably some broken agreements somewhere—where are the agreements that we no longer honor or have implicitly agreed to without realizing it?
Third, continuing with the boxing analogy, see if you can reach the point where you even question why you're boxing in the first place. When you reach that point of clarity, you've found the sweet spot where you can start making better agreements, starting with yourself.
A Client’s Story
Case in point: a client of mine was recounting how they were hired for a specific role, but somehow, two months into their new role, this person was asked to focus on another area "while we figure out a strategy," and then presumably, they would go back to the role that was agreed to when hired.
Eighteen months later, that pivot back to the original role never happened. My client was unhappy, full of self-doubt, and even questioning whether he was in the right career (which he loved, by the way). Until he realized that it wasn't him; it was that he found himself in agreements that he had never consciously chosen.
Many people in similar situations might feel pressured to "take one for the team" or "do this for me before I can give you what you want," but that rarely leads to feeling good about it. Ultimately, he got out of this situation once he restored his old agreements with himself and created new ones with his boss going forward.
It's important to acknowledge that renegotiating agreements, especially with others, often requires having difficult conversations. This can be uncomfortable, but it's crucial to remember that clear communication and honoring your own needs are essential for creating healthy relationships and fulfilling agreements.
The Complexity of Life
Of course, real-life situations are often more complex than any single analogy can capture. There will always be external factors and unforeseen challenges. But even in the midst of those complexities, taking ownership of your agreements can be a powerful first step towards reclaiming your agency.
Broken agreements don't work; they don't lead to flow. In my framework, a "shift" is the building block of "flow"—without a shift in perspective, we cannot reach that state of ease and alignment. This is especially true when it comes to teams and the people leading those teams. One of the first rules in the SHIFT in Life framework is to take ownership of your agreements, implicit and explicit. This has nothing to do with being a good or bad person. But yes, some agreements might require difficult conversations with yourself or others if you want to renegotiate. If you find yourself resisting the renegotiation of an agreement, then it might be a good idea to start working with a coach.
Flow is a state of being in sync with ourselves, a sense of effortless movement and alignment. It's a feeling of synchronicity that emerges when we live in accordance with our values and honor our true selves.
The concept of agreements extends beyond individual experiences. Our society is built on a complex web of agreements—social norms, cultural expectations, and institutional structures. These agreements can shape our beliefs, limit our choices, and perpetuate inequalities. By becoming aware of these societal agreements and questioning their validity, we can create a more conscious and equitable world. (For further exploration on some social agreements we perpetuate, see my articles on Breaking Free from the Us vs. Them Trap or Purpose Beyond the Podium or How Accountability Hinders True Potential)
It's crucial to recognize the influence of societal and cultural norms on the agreements we make. These norms often operate subtly, shaping our beliefs and behaviors without our conscious awareness. By critically examining these influences, we can make more intentional choices that align with our authentic selves.
5 Steps to Reclaim Your Power
Here are five simple steps that can make a world of difference:
Watch out for implicit agreements that we buy into.
Review your agreements with yourself and others, but mostly with yourself.
Find the agreements that you are not upholding (with yourself or others) and see if that is the cause or the source of that area of your life that is not working.
Make a new commitment, a new explicit agreement with yourself (or others, but mostly to yourself), and move on with this new commitment.
Share your new agreement with others you trust—a friend, a spouse, a colleague, your team, or your family. You can also work with a coach to help you navigate renegotiating agreements with yourself and others. You'll know who best to share the new agreement with and ask them to hold you to your commitment.
Creating a Shift
When you get stuck, remember the boxing analogy, where the choices were being the boxer or the bag. See if you can step out for a minute and look at things from another perspective by looking at the premise of the situation. Even question why boxing is the only option available. Then, choose new agreements based on who you want to be, what you want to do, and what results you want.
Throughout this process, remember to practice self-compassion. Letting go of old agreements, especially those tied to our identity or deeply held beliefs, can be challenging. Be kind to yourself, honor your journey, and celebrate each step you take towards greater alignment.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, renegotiating an agreement might not be possible. The other person might be unwilling to change, or we might be grappling with deeply held beliefs that hold us back, even when we recognize their limitations. In these situations, seeking support from a coach or therapist can be invaluable. They can help you navigate those internal barriers and explore alternative ways to create the shift you want.
Leaning into the people you can truly count on is essential because they will help you step out and see something new, something you couldn't see before.
Ready to Shift?
Following these steps will not only help with communication with others but will also instill a sense of confidence and conviction in who you are, repelling that self-doubt that we all have from time to time.
By owning your agreements, looking at the broken ones, and repairing (i.e., making a new agreement in its place) the ones that are no longer working for you, you will find a way out of the feeling of being stuck or the sense of being the punch bag, regardless of the challenges you face. You'll create the shift needed to find more flow in your life.
Imagine what it would be like to live in a world where everyone is truly aware of their agreements. Where we all strive to live in a way that matches our values, and we all work together to create a more harmonious existence. What kind of impact could that have? Not just on individuals but on relationships, communities, and society as a whole. The power to create a more fulfilling life truly resides within each of us. By understanding our agreements and choosing ones that truly resonate, we shape our own destinies and contribute to a more harmonious world.
______________________________
Mariano is a transformational leadership coach specializing in Personal Branding, Strategic Leadership, and Creative Action. Through his signature SHIFT approach, he helps leaders discover authentic perspectives that transform how they see themselves and their potential. His clients consistently report gaining both clarity of purpose and practical strategies that inspire meaningful action.
Ready to explore your leadership potential? Schedule a complimentary consultation to discover how we can work together toward your goals.
